mimsy_borogove (mimsy_borogove) wrote in badbadzimfics,
mimsy_borogove
mimsy_borogove
badbadzimfics

"Dib's First Lover" by Fidam. The PAIN.

There could no story more worthy of this community's first post than the following. Now, this fanfiction may result in slight internal bleeding, and I can only hope against hope that it is, in fact, a joke.

In any case, I have to admit, it's the funniest thing I've read in a long, long time.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2026186/1/

Hats off to you, Fidam.



Let me tell you a tale. One day, little Dib and Gaz were walking home, snarking at each other as per usual, when Dib noticed "abnormal sounds" coming from his little sister's Game Slave. Oh no! THIS isn't Vampire Piggy Hunter XXIV!


"OH MY FUCKIN GOD GAZ! WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME ARE YOU PLAYING!?" Dib screamed when he saw what Gaz was playing.
"...It's not what it looks like!" Gaz replied as she hid her sex game behind her back while looking around to make sure no one else was around.
"THAT WAS A LESBIAN HENTAI GAME! I KNOW IT!" Dib continued to scream not knowing how to respond to the purple haired girl's game.


WOW! No wonder Gaz ignores everyone and everything all the time, if that's what's on her Game Slave! Oh my. Rather than swiping it from her and spending some "quality time" by himself, Dib angsts over the broken bond of unsurpassed trust between himself and the sister who beats him up, ignores him, and leaves him to die on a regular basis. They tenderly reconcile:

"I promise" Gaz finally replied after a slight pause and embraced her brother. "Dib...?"
"Yes Gaz?"
"I love you too," Gaz said kissing her brother affectionatly.


And not in a sisterly way, apparently:

Dib grinned a little and asked his sister, "So Gaz, have you ever wanted to do any of those things?" he said seductivly.
Gaz realized what her brother meant and started 'helping' Dib take his black trenchcoat off. "Well, you know, most of the people I know are scared of me...but not you," she replied, seeing a buldge develop on her brothers pants.
"What do you mean by that?" the black-haired teen replied starting to lift his sister's shirt off.
"I think you know," the necklace wearing girl said starting to walk toward her bed.
"You know, dad isn't due home for a couple of days..." Dib said as he lay his sister on her bed and climbed ontop.O,


By now, it has become clear this this is that greatly feared (by some) common IZ pairing, the DAGR. However, I would NEVER snark at a story because of its pairing or its premise. True, I'm not a big fan of cartoon incest (although all the canon stuff in "Utena" numbed me to it somewhat), but it's the execution that matters. I can't really see ZAGR, either, but Raina wrote some excellent stuff along those lines.

HOWEVER, I would expect at least SOME self-doubt and soul searching before hopping into bed with one's younger sibling, and that goes for ANY would-be love bunnies who are RELATED. This could even be the source of dramatic conflict and tension (conflict=good). The author of this story solves the problem, however, by having Dib have no reservations, then suddenly angst over it, then he's OK with it, then he's pretending that Gaz is someone else, etc. Whoo.

After musing about how excited we are, the author moves on to discuss how Dib has never even "explored himself" because it would be "too dirty" (so doing something not too dissimiliar from what one would do while bathing is unthinkable; doing one's little sister, however, is JUST PEACHY!) Dib then takes off right in the middle of things to go expose Zim. Haha! Finally, something that's IC!


Dib had just shot down Zim's gnomes with a sniper rifle from far away, when he realized that the others didn't respond to the other exploding. At first he wondered why, bt he just decided to ignore it, and just assume it was a flaw that would be to his advantage.


His SNIPER RIFLE. Right. Jeez, Dib, why didn't you think to use your illegally obtained weaponry before?

Dib then stumbles across the two characters he is most often paired with, Zim and Tak, makin' bacon on Zim's couch. O-kay. Dib is so DISGUSTED and HORRIFIED by said disturbing display that he whips out his camera (CAMERA!) and takes "hundreds" of pictures!:


Dib was deeply disturbed (and thats an understatment, what he truely felt cannot be described in words) and suddenly, without thinking, took his camera and shot hundreds of photos with his camera. He thought that he could get alot of money out of this. One, he could get the Nobel Prize for finding intelligent life and saving the Earth, and on the side, he could open the only alien porn site on the web (he decided later that it would be named ).


I would like to suggest "Close Encounters of the Sexy Kind," "Unidentified Flying Lust," or "Little Barely Legal Green Men," if I may. I've gotta admit that if I won the Nobel Prize for taking pictures of two aliens having sex, my life would probably become a hideous montage of humiliation and shame.

Zim swears like a "Get Shorty" character:

"I THOUGHT I POLORIZED THOSE FUCKIN' WINDOWS! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT PEICE OF SHIT ROBOT!?" Zim screamed not wanting to beliveve what just happened. "GIR! GET THE FUCK UP HERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I KILL YOU!"

Mmm-hmmm. Yeah. So, when he returns home and shows Gaz the pictures, she's somewhat concerned that Dib may be planning to use them to construct an elaborate fantasy threesome in his head. But her jealousy is unwarranted; Dib keeps it in the family:

"Well....it's just that...." Dib couldn't hold the water back anymore and he cryed his eyes out. Gaz wiped her brother's tears from his face and ran her finger down the side of her brother's face so caring that it just made Dib cry even harder. "Gaz, I've been keeping secrets too....I've always loved you, not only as a sister, but also like wanting to be in a relationship. But I just couldn't tell you...I'm so sorry. I betrayed your trust for all these years, I hope you can forgive me.

Always? Since she was born? QHGSFISGbkbdgksd. Ugh. If only Membrane knew.

In the most coherent passage of the entire story, the author tries to explain why Zim and Tak are together. It's horrible and insufficient, but sadly, at this point I was shocked that he even attempted to provide some reason for the nonsensical sex:

There was Zim, and there was Tak. Even though they had been mortal enemies, they had kept in touch after their last piloting battle.

"Kept in touch???"

LordOdahumanz: hey hon how r u???
WeenieGurl: wel um not gud cuz u shot me inta space lol
LordOdahumanz: sorry :(
WeenieGurl: haha dat's ok i lost and arm and wuz ina coma but im cool now :)
LordOdahumanz: dat's great ! :) LOL "the onion" is so funny: http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4039&n=3
WeenieGurl: haha thats great!!!

...I think I need to stop. I need some aspirin. I may finish later.

Maybe. >.<

Thanks to jrandomlurker for starting this community, and therefore, helping me to exercise my demons (and I don't mean exorcise...:)
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