This is what happens when I'm bored and should be doing something productive, or be drinking, concidering it's a Fri night and I have off from work (unimaginable!!): I find an awful fic and then join an LJ community to bitch about it. Hah. This is really funny to me, for some reason.
Ok, so anyhow, the fic is called "THE GORIEST ZIM STORY EVER!" Notice the exclaimation point and the sticky caps. I love exclaimation points. And sticky caps. I really think that this could have used a few more !!!!!s after the title, though. Perhaps a couple of 111s, too, just for shits and giggles.
Moving on to the summary. According to this person, the story is one of Pure Gore And Hate. No love, nor angst, just Gore and Hate. Ok, I can live with that. I like the idea of something New and Different (or at least uncommon). The author then proceeds to state that anyone who likes RAPR, ZADR, or TAGR should not read it. I guess that if you like ZAGR, ZATR, DAGR, or any other random pairing are good to go. Only avoid if you dislike those three pairings. Got it. S/he also states that if you don't like the fic, you don't have to read it. This sounds awfully like a certain abrasive author, and I'm wondering who the mysterious "You" is in the sentence "Like you say, dont like...Don't read." [sic] is . But I'll let that one go. Obviously this person has already told 8/9ths of the readers on this site not to even glance at it, but that's never stopped me from reading something, before. So this is getting to be a long discription of just the summary, so I'm gonna cut it short, now and say that s/he ends with stating that hte first chapter is Purple and Red and that it is Gory. Remember this promise, folks. This person Swore that there was going to be gore, so I'm expecting a freakin bloodbath.
First off, the reader is assulted by this abrasive author's note: Some one needed to write a gory ZIM fic for gores sake… So I did. Yes I know some of you may be offended by all the hate but… I CAN WRITE WHAT EVER THE HELL I WANT!
For gores sake? You mean the guy who ran for president a few years ago, or...oh, ok, I get it. Very clever...or something. And yes, you Can write 'whatever the hell you want'. The question, however, is if you can write it Well.
The story then goes on to describe a situation where Purple wakes up to see an evilly grinning Red at his bedside holding a laser.
Purple shifted around in bed. He opened a violet eye and saw at the edge of his bed… RED!
Ah! Sticky caps and an exclaimation point that was preceded by an elipsis! Oh, man you sure startled me, there. (Yes, I'm aware I'm being kind of bitchy. I'm tired and cranky.)
“RED! WHAT HAVE I TOLD! YOU!” Purple screamed as he sat up. “No coming into my room with out knocking!”
Red’ smile only became sicker.
“Why would I want to ruin the element of surprise?” Red sneered as he stroked his precious laser.
...Stoked his...precious...laser...? Haha...oh, Freud would have a Feild Day. Hehe....I mean, why else would Red be comming into Purple's room unannounced if it wasn't to stroke his laser.
Should I really have to mention (and this will prolly up my Loser Cred), that lasers, being super hot and made of light, will instantly cauterize a wound? I mean, we've all seen Star Wars--what do you think a Light Saber is? A laser on a stick. W00t! There was no squirting blood whenever Luke got his hand chopped off! And, what does every good gorefest need? That's right, buckets of blood. Seeing as the first weapon mentioned is a laser, if doesn't look like much blood will be spilled, but still, it's early. There's still a chance.
Purple was scared, but had wasn’t completely unprepared. The gun for a flamethrower popped out of his pak.
Hmm...fire. Though to say "a gun for a flamethrower" is a little redundant, since a flamethower could technically be concidered a gun. I mean, it loos like one, and has a barrel and a trigger, and all that yummy stuff. So yeah. Slightly redundant. Also, all a flamethower can do is shoot fire--no blood or gore there, just some charred skin. Unless there is a very vivid description of said charred skin, along with how it smells, tastes, etc...
So we have our contestants, Red and Purple, armed with a Laser and a Flamethower, respectively. Watch now as they duke it out. DING!
Red screamed, but pulled the lasers trigger. It hit Purple in the lower chest. Spaying them with blood and organs. The flamethrower fell out of Purples hands.
Event though they were both in sick condition, they were both still alive.
“Your dead…” Red growled, his skin charred.
“Not before I make you
HURT!” Purple yelled. Event though his organs were dangling out he lunged at Red, strangling the jerk. (This random space appears in the story, as well, but I'm chalking it up to a formatting issue with ffn)
Red quickly grabbed one of Purple’s rope like organs, and began to strangle him. In a minute or so, they were both dead. Their corpses sat there in a pool of blood and organs.
That's it, people. That's the action. But where's the gore? Where's the blood? Where's the eviscration? I was promised GORE, damnit! I demand my money back!
But oh! It ends on a cliffhanger!
Just than ZIM called.
“MY TALLEST!” He cried before he saw their mangled corpses…
Dun dun DUN! Though I would think that Zim would scream about his Tallests' After he saw their mangled corpses, but that's just me...
It ends with a final note from the author: God I love gore… I’m sure you do too. But what’s up with ZIM, and where’s Dib?
I smell blood… And its mmm-mmm goooooooood…
Yes, Yes, I do love Gore. Now, where is it? You promised, but you didn't deliver. False advertising, buddy! And really, what Is up with Zim? And Dib? I think he shot himself after reading this.
I smell no blood, I smell suckitude.
That's right, I said it: suckitude.
Psst: This just in--After putting in my two cents of a review, I looked at the others that were listed. After three negative ones (one stating only that the reader rolled his/her eyes, which I find amusing, and another stating that "everytime someone writes a really, really bad and stupid Invader Zim fic, Johnnen sends Johnny out to kill them", which I find equally amusing), the author responds with this (in a review I might add): Hm... So you people DON'T like this... Well...I rely don't care! I'm just writing and I wont stop untill... I dont know! But you say this is bad, well the REAL bad storys are the ooc ones that lack any and all ZIM'ness. Now if you'll exscuse me I have enamies to evisarate. Them being YOU! And hay. I'll probably fix it up, and if you have to send fictional charicters to kill people well... I do my own evil bidding! SO BURN! That would be all.
rely...enamies...like me, ok....hay? There will be horses? Oh, the hay is for burning...mmmk....right.
Oh yeah, this person's a winner.
I need a stiff drink. My brain hurts.